Integrity. Let me tell you about it. First of all, without it you are not whole and never will be. It's the key to touching your own Divinity. It's God's way of leading you towards yourself – and natural success. Integrity is the key lesson I took away from a three year live-at-Findhorn experience.

When I put my bags down in the Findhorn Foundation community centre in August 2004 I would have described myself as an empowerment trainer, someone who could help others fix themselves and their lives. Hey – I had 20 years of the self-help fix-me fix-you industry. I started by reading the self help books. Then I progressed to writing them. I had worked the techniques, and dam it, I could teach them like no tomorrow. Catherine Fix-It Glennie. But by August 2004 my fix-it mentality had become the road to burnout and emotional bankruptcy. But no problem, here I was, arrived in Findhorn, a world famous spiritual community – and yes – my week's course at Findhorn was going to help me get myself together again. Findhorn was going to fix me.

Little did I know that no one had the slightest intention of fixing me. Instead my course facilitators had the single intention of loving me – exactly as I was. For seven days they acted not like course facilitators at all. They had no PowerPoint presentation to blow my socks off. Had no magic meditation technique that would tune me into God's brainwaves and take me up, up, up. Instead for seven days they encouraged me and 20 others to say what we needed to say, feel what we needed to feel and be who we needed to be. Tears, laughter, joy and pain. These were the facilitators that week. They showed me the doorway to what I needed to discover and learn. Integrity. Honouring what's going on in me and having the balls to show it.

In my journey into the new age genre I got to learn that I, my true essence, was Light and Love. I got to believing that I should walk around the planet beaming this Light and Love to all and sundry. I would be a jolly bundle of joy 24-7. I would show the world how to shine – one look at me and gazowie, bing – you'd be bowled over by my Divine loveliness. The world would be better. God would smile. I would be happy.

All good and well except that buying into this idea meant that I was buying into a version of myself that had no negatives and unpleasant bits, certainly none that could be acknowledged. A part of me so longed to be this Light and Love that I became completely attached it. Like a limpet to a rock. Like chewing gum tangled in long hair. Stuck on the idea, and virtually impossible to admit to, or even examine any negatives aspects to myself. And don't forget, I had written the course/book/column on how to overcome negatives and after all, I had to walk my talk. This dear reader is what is known as a blind spot.

There's a beautiful story about a pilgrim who long wanted to visit a highly esteemed Master. Finally the time came and he was rowed across to the island in the lake where the Master lived. But when he saw the Master in meditation he was shocked and said to him later 'you were meditating wrong. Don't you know you should do it like this and this' He proceeded to correct the Master and later boarded the boat feeling very proud of his knowledge and skills. Half way across the lake the Master appeared at the side of the boat, standing on the water. He bowed in honour to the pilgrim 'please can you remind me of the last bit you taught me. I really want to do my meditation correctly.' Sometimes we get lost and don't see the truth.

About a year into my stay at Findhorn I came face to face with one of my own (and many) blind spots. It happened through my relationship. One Friday evening my partner and I had a fight. His response was to go to bed. My response was to play the punishing game. Knowing full well how much he enjoyed the physical contact of sharing the bed, I took my pillow and stormed off to sleep in the spare room. And guess what? He slept on – what? How dare he not notice? Not suffer? I tried to pretend to myself that I really wanted to sleep in the spare bed, but my rage at his lack of response grew and grew. I was incensed, but as I went into rage overload, a year's worth of Findhorn education miraculously clicked into play.

I stood back emotionally and for the first time ever saw what was going on. I saw my devious behaviour, my game playing. Most importantly I saw the dark motivation behind it. I admitted how I meant to control him, the situation, the relationship. I was owning my unpleasant bits. And then something clicked again. I had no desire to fix the ugliness, change it or heal it. I sat on that spare bed and acknowledged that it was simply part of me. This was/is who I am. Full stop.

As I went through this split second attitudinal shift, I imagined a big round circle. Half of it was light and love and the other half dark, pitch black ugly. I put my imaginary arms out and embraced the whole circle. This is me, the all of me. And in that moment, I stepped into a place of Integrity. And a true connection to my Spirit, and God and life.

And so it was that keeper of my Integrity stepped out of the boat that night. What happened next? I got into bed and lovingly put my arms around my partner. In this unwitnessed Friday moment Fix-it, Catherine got real. The acceptance of my ugliness was the door to my loveliness.

Living at Findhorn (actually the correct way to name them is the Findhorn Foundation & Community) I was able to learn and relearn this lesson. Every work shift starts with a process called tuning in. This is a time to be still together with the intent of connecting to Spirit, the group energy and yourself. Every tuning in was an opportunity for me to remember to live with integrity.

And then there is the check in. A chance to speak aloud what's going on in your personal life – even though you're about to start work. This is a time to connect with your inner self. It's a time to speak about that sometimes confusing and jumbled inner world. And when you do, no one tries to fix you or start a discussion about what you've just said. You speak, and that's it. It brings clarity. Every check in was an opportunity for me to remember to live with integrity.

And then there's the sharing, the supervision and forum. What are they? Simply more daily ways for those who live and work there to remember who they are and be it. Integrity.

I notice as I journey back to the commercial world how profound this lesson has been. I am different around people. I am different in business. I invite myself to take my space. I invite myself to feel my feelings. I invite myself to express them. I invite them all. Sadness, pain, aggression, laughter and joy. I give them much more leeway, believe in them from my cells and honour their process. These are information and energy and serve a vital function. I can see that now.

I still have much to discover, and although I am no longer living at Findhorn I feel am still very much on a powerful learning path. Sometimes I am simply awful and fail miserably. Sometimes I am delighted when I notice that I really don't mind if others choose to think or behave differently to me, or express negative emotions (as long it's not my children, hehe).

I step onto the path along the Thames. I don't see the ducks striving against the strong current. Nor do I smell the earthy undertones of wet autumn ground. My natural aggression has taken me over. I am foul in my mood. As I notice this, years of conditioning kick in and I grasp a well worn affirmation. I start saying out loud in my mind 'I am beautiful on the inside, and beautiful on the outside.' Then I realise hey, I no longer want to fix myself by suppressing my dark bits. I'm going to accept it, simply be present with what is – and foul it is today. I walk on. I walk faster. It's difficult but I keep choosing to hold the full breadth and length of me. Now I am whole. Now I have integrity. Now let natural success begin.

For more details see www.findhorn.org or www.catherineglennie.com